i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
