I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
