Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I need a beard to bite.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
