I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
