i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
