Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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