No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
