Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
