i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
