Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
