mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
