I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
