When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
