thus making me awesome and them whores
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
