i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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