and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
