i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
