Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
