Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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