I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
