so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
