all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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