Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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