Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
