perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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