I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
