I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
