im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
