barbara walters just said penis...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
