Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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