Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
