last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your cock deserves a montage
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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