I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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