If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
