So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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