when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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