I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
barbara walters just said penis...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
