Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
