i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
