Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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