Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
