I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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