It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
