Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
