Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
