everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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