i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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