Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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