Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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