there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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