Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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