my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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