It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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