I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
