a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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