New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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