I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm like, not good at living.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
