why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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